Pain In My Mind

suffering we choose to overlook

In a debate at school on the benefits of technology, I was interjected by a member of the opposition who pointed out that my arguments about cyberbullying were not very strong since in a real playground, children could be physically beaten whereas in a cyber space, they could only be mentally harassed. Don’t judge the question -- we were small and immature. I replied - in that instant - that mental pain was far more severe than physical pain. I won the rebuttal.

When I made that point, I myself did not realise the gravity of what I had said. It was a mere rebuttal to win a competition. In fact, after the debate, the very same person, who was also my friend, told me jokingly that a fist-fight after school would bring me to my senses. To some extent, I bought that too, because from movies and shows, I could see that torture of the physical kind can be excruciating.

Sitting in front of my computer now, I feel that the argument which the 14-year-old me gave was perfectly valid. Indeed, physical pain hurts. But I am not writing to decide a contest between pain of different sorts, rather to point out the sad reality of how we as a society ignore, neglect and in most cases, shut down the very existence of mental pain.

As a boy from a small town who moved to a school in the national capital, I have often berated the manner in which everyone talks about mental health - so obsessively, on social media, in class discussions, in volunteer work etc. That feeling wasn’t really directed at the topic at hand but the pretentiousness surrounding it. It always felt to me that talking about mental health endlessly was more of a trend that everyone wanted to ride on rather than an issue which people wanted to truly address.

However, as I write this, I think - if a trend it is, let a trend it be. It is a good trend. It is something we as a society desperately need, especially in times like the ones we are all going through. You might ask - what’s the reason I am talking about mental health today. Well, suffice it to say that I have had an experience (not personal) which continues to pain me. I say it with all humility while accepting my ignorance, I have sensed what depression can do.

A person whose limbs have been severed may scream in horrendous pain but at the hospital, with his family and friend around, he thinks - this will pass. In contrast, a person whose mind starts playing games, who cannot see hope in anything, whose life becomes a cloud of gloom - every single second is painful. Like Viktor E. Frankl describes in his famous book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’, the horrors of a concentration camp were not so much in the physical treatment that was meted out to its inhabitants as they were in the utter loss of hope which clouded the spirits of those men and women.

This discussion is important because the most crucial part of addressing a problem is to first ACCEPT it exists. I am no expert on mental health. In fact, I have never even cared to read a decent book about it but what I have heard in the silences on those calls is enough to tell me that hope, meaning and a sense of purpose is something we all take for granted.

Just like a disease disrupts the normal functioning of the body, even if temporarily - mental illness is a real, tangible condition where certain thoughts shroud your spirit and you are unable to escape them no matter how hard you try. It is not merely a phase of sadness as some people would have themselves believe. It is a sadness which anchors itself deep within a person and distorts the very prism through which they view the world around them. At the cost of repetition, all the things I am saying are not based on any research I have done. I do not say this out of pride but out of the realisation that sometimes personal experience is what is needed to really believe something.

If you are with me and we have established that mental illness is indeed a reality, we must then look for ways to heal or better, prevent it. Amidst all the pretentious things I have heard around the issue, one line has stayed with me even though it may sound clichéd - “Be kind to people around you because they may be fighting battles you are not even aware of.”

Human beings are social beings. We find security and a sense of comfort by investing our trust in and establishing an intimacy with other people. While we may be powerful individuals in our own right with a lot of potential inside us, it is through our families, friends, acquaintances and the world at large that we express and put into action that potential. Hence, when you are kind to another person, you provide them with solace and assurance that they are valued, that they are understood.

I am a student of Humanities, and proudly so. During conversations with one of my friends, we often end up talking about the differences between the Western and the Indian lifestyle. Often, my friend argues that the individualism which the Western culture provides is liberating in many senses. I always differ. I believe that this ‘liberation’ can very soon turn into ‘loneliness’ and a feeling of being anchorless, with nothing to fall back upon. From what I know of the West, families are not very closely-knit. No one’s snooping into anyone’s affairs. As soon as you turn 18, you are ‘independent’. When someone dies, a funeral is arranged on a weekend because people don’t even have the time to grieve. Though these may sound as a set of freedoms, it doesn’t take long to also understand that in times of mental crises, these are the freedoms we don’t want to enjoy. We may not realise it but during those moments, we want our families and friends to be there with us. A psychologist may help however, they can never give you that trust which a parent, a partner, a sibling or a lifelong friend can. This view of mine is validated by a greater incidence of mental health disorders in the West, as compared to countries like India. It is also buttressed by the experience which pushed me to write on this subject.

A few disclaimers at this point. First, I do not contend that people in a country like ours do not suffer from mental illness. Rather, it is my belief that our lifestyle of caring for each other and being deeply attached to our communities is a very important tool we must preserve and use to cure the problems we face. Secondly, I wish to make it clear that I am not one of those paternalistic anti-West, anti-freedom fanatics who propose that the society or the State set limits on our liberty. As my friend tells me, even the family can cause pain, when it becomes a hegemonic institution. I talk in the language of human relations and intimacy and not the social or the political.

Coming back to our discussion, I believe that that the two most important things we must understand to combat mental illness is first, to be kind and understanding in our dealings with our fellow human beings and second, to realise the importance of real, human relationships as opposed to illusory freedoms or virtual existence.

Before I end, it falls on me to also say, unequivocally, that like physiological disease, mental illness too can be cured. We, as a society, must normalise a visit to a psychologist/psychiatrist if we feel like it. Talking about what you feel should be as easy as telling the doctor that you have a headache.

I wish to end on the note I began : mental pain. If we, as human beings, call ourselves the most evolved species on planet Earth, it is extremely unfortunate that members of our ‘great race’ spend their days lost in pain no one even acknowledges. It is regrettable that when we need each other the most, there’s not a shoulder to cry on. And it is just sad that the people we claim to love become so disillusioned and so bereft of hope that they choose to relinquish the very dignity of life.

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